Hit another low point in my life again. That's not good, you know? It's like the 3rd time this year and best of all? They all happened after my 17th birthday. To hell with sweet seventeen. I will NEVER make a damn film called 17 Again man. I never ever want to relive this depressing year of my life.First, it was the band issue. I gave in, for the first time in my life.Next, it was the school issue. Giving in once made me extremely vulnerable and I gave in yet again.Then, it was the homework and studying issue. I lost my drive.Finally, to conclude the "Ruin Ying Hui" effect came the virus. My beloved baby caught a virus and died.Can you imagine how depressed I am right now? I even lost the drive to live. I just want to sit here crying all night and day until I expire. I love how this blog is public, yet obscure. I can share how I feel with people who want to know and yet keep this from most other people's eyes.I AM A TOTAL WRECK NOW. I don't know exactly how I'm going to pick myself up again and live life normally like nothing happened. I need a break from my ultra-eventful life, I really do. I can't do this anymore. I have so much to do, yet so little time. And I really have no more strength to push on. I really want to give up now. Give up on everything, give up on life. It's just not myself to be able to give up easily, but I had to do that so many times this year, it already seems second nature to me. I want this to end. Really. I thought life would change. It did. It got so much worse. I really regret the first time I gave in. I'm losing hope on life. There's nothing really, that can make me go on already. I lost too much. You know those stories people always tell me when I think of giving up? Those stories in which the characters are so much worse off than me? It's not going to work anymore. They are not going through the same thing as me, no matter how much more they suffer. Everybody's case is different and in my case, I'm too much of an emotional wreck now to be able to live on normally.What's with life? Maybe if it's not getting better, I should give up on it too.
So yesterday was Speech Day. The day when people get to talk. We got speeches on how to improve the education system, what sort of programs the school prepared to provide a holistic education to its pupils and we also got a speech from a friend, talking about school life in the past 4 years.Time really flies (forgive the cliche). Here we are, all graduated and travelling on different paths, crossing paths occasionally and really having fun. We talked and talked and insulted people and I will admit that it was really entertaining to insult.Anyway, since it was Speech Day, it was also Prize-Giving Day. I didn't know what to expect though as I didn't attend any of the rehearsals earlier this month. So I was caught by surprise when I had to go up on stage 3 times to collect my awards. I was really nervous getting up on stage as usual. It's definitely not my comfort zone, but a few embarrassments aside, I managed to get down alive. I'll have to be proud of myself whether I like it or not. The fact is that I was disappointed with myself for getting those wretched results, but a new chapter of my life is starting soon and I am going to face it with optimism. So the first thing I should do is to forgive myself and start praising myself more.P.S. I got $190 worth of book vouchers to spend. It seems really little now, though when I think back to my schooling days, it was quite a lot for me already. I'm really growing up now...
It has been a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG day. First, I woke up tired and frustrated after sleeping at 5 yesterday and went back to sleep after having lunch. Then, I woke up tired and frustrated (notice a pattern here?) and started pulling my hair out about really little things. I came online then and started playing games. Really lame ones. Then I started watching shows. Or to be precise, A show. I'm really bored to death now and can't wait for school to start. There'll be new people to meet and new subjects to pick up. That'll keep me busy for a while.The thing is, I WILL NEVER forget my dear old friends. Really. I was talking to a few of them and hey, they really DO care about me. I feel really blessed to have friends like them. Speaking of which, I have to get someone a birthday present. Oh, the pains of not knowing what to buy. But no worries, this guy was prepared. He wanted SOCKS. Yes, SOCKS. I know, he's a bit mental, but he's still one of my good friends and YES, I'M GOING TO GET HIM SOCKS.
My right ear is hurting again... As usual. This pair of spectacles is driving me nuts. I have to wear it like it's gripping to my poor head. Alright, the point now is that I want a pair of contact lens.I want to style my hair before school starts. I want to do so many things that I couldn't. I want to get new clothes, I want to pierce my ear, though I'm not too sure about that.But the thing that I don't want to do is to lose myself. I still want to be me amidst all these temptations and freedom. I am me. I am the girl who hangs out with guys very often. I am the girl who doesn't get high seeing guys. (But trust me, I'm straight) I'm the girl who's depressed half the time and crazy the other half. I'm the girl who smiles at herself at random points of time. I'm the girl who can't get as enthusiastic as others. I'm the girl who doesn't change her mind so much. I'm the girl who puts herself through so much just to get to her goals. I'm the girl who cares, who wants to achieve the best she can. I'm the girl who doesn't like lying when I can tell the truth. I'm the girl who reads. I'm the girl who blogs. I'm the girl who stays up till 5 am when she can. I'm the girl who wants to be the best she can be. I'm the girl who dreams, both the possible and the impossible. I'm the girl who doesn't dare tell anyone who she likes. I'm the girl who doesn't care how the pretty and popular kids think of me or even look at me because I'm just who I am. I can't change it.If a guy were to fall for me, I want him to fall for ME, not some fake me. I will never change just to make friends or to make a guy like me. I want to be me and if it's not getting me anyone or anywhere, it's fine with me.
Hi hi! The 100th post in What's Going On's history! It's such a significant number, no? Okay, so maybe we'll talk about how I'm feeling right now, with exactly a week to go till the start of school.So maybe I had been very unwilling to budge, to move on. I had enjoyed my time in Secondary School too much. That was good, but overdoing it is not. I have to move on. Life moves on. I made the decision myself, I cried about it for a few days and there's nothing I can do now except move on.I'll have to admit that I'm filled with anticipation. I don't know what to expect in a totally new environment with totally new people, but I'm hoping for the best. I know the previous time I was faced with this, it didn't go too well and brought along a whole chain of issues that ultimately led me to where I am right now. Hence, I am extremely determined to start afresh. I'll have to throw away some of my hopes and dreams. Those that I had been clutching too closely to my heart. Some things are just not meant to be, and they will not happen, though I still do believe in miracles.I'll be faced with new challenges, new perspectives and I know I'm not ready to deal with them at this point of time, but I am prepared to take them up and show them what I've really got. It's me, really, to use my heart and my mind to deal with issues and I will not rest until I've got them all settled. Nobody likes the way I push myself. It's like locking myself up in jail every single day, but that's the power that drives me to accomplishment. It's something so uniquely mine that no one understands it. That's why everyone's shocked by the way I do things. That's ME.I'm not going to change anything because that's my strength and I'll work with my strength to get me through everyday. I dare say the giving up part was not easy for me. It was extremely tough. I had to cry, to scold myself, to knock my head, I had a lot of negative thoughts because I never liked to give up on things. I have this internal pride in me. I must show myself that I can do it. I don't care what others think of me. I didn't even need friends as the last 2 months have shown. I just cared about achieving what my mind is set on doing.Now, it's different already. I made this choice, based on my instincts. I blocked out other people's thoughts, though I'll have to admit that making my parents happy about me giving up was the very last thing on my mind. I'll have to start anew whether I like it or not. I had to give up more than my self-respect. I had to give up some really important things in my life, like my friends and music. That wound is still raw, so let's not touch it now. However, I gained some things too. Like the fact that I get to spend more time with my family although I know that this may be more bad than good, given the number of times I spent quarreling with them the past few weeks I was at home. But the fact is still that they are my family. I can't abandon them. No matter how much I hate what they do, they are still my family. I can't change that.I also get to live life like a human. Yes, looking back, I had not been living like a human. I studied, ate, studied, ate, studied, ate, studied, ate, slept, studied, ate, studied, ate, studied, ate, studied, ate, slept. The whole cycle was like this. It was insane. I didn't feel that at that point of time, but now, when I look at it, I was a robot and I'm really proud of surviving that routine for 2 months. BUT life's not all about studying. My other JC friends sure do lead better lives than me because they know how to relax. The problem with me is that I don't. So that's what I'm setting out to find out in my next journey. How to relax at appropriate moments and live life like a human. Seriously, animals do have better lives than what I had gone through.I will make the most of my life the next 3 years and learn how many things work in society as well as in LIFE. My timer is counting down to the day my heart stops beating, so I have to seize the opportunity and enjoy life while it lasts. I sure had gone through so much pain in the past and I'm not willing to relive the experience over and over again in my life. I deserve to enjoy too and I will. Carpe diem.
Sitting at home with nothing to do drives you insane. It just makes you think. About what? you say. About everything under the sun. It's that crazy. What have I been thinking about then? Here's the breakdown:Have I made the right decision? I was so happy the first few moments I set my mind, but then, I realised with horror, that there are so many things I'm thinking about. I know I should have moved on already, not think about it anymore. What's done is done! Why can't I stop thinking? I really can't stand myself sometimes. I know what I'm thinking about and there's no need to further elaborate. I feel lonely already. Just a few weeks fresh out of 'prison' and I'm feeling lonely. I'm supposed to be free, be happier, but I realised with great horror, what exactly I was missing. It hurts so deeply even now, because by making the decision, I am actually diminishing my chance of getting what I want. I also had to give up something I love in the process. So is this doing me any better?I think I'll have to learn the hard way. I'll have to push myself through this immense suffering and learn to move on, but should I? Because there may still be a feeble chance, no matter how small it is, it's still a chance. Never give up, I say. Believe the impossible. But it's so hard to fulfill my life and believe at the same time. I guess that's why so many adults lose the ability to believe. They get tired of balancing. They just lose hope completely and move on, supposedly to greener pastures. But it's different for me. I don't want to lose this innocence. I feel so innocent. It's like any other similar experience later in life would not be so pure, so clean anymore.Oh great. I sound as though I'm facing some growing up pains, but I AM. I don't want to grow up, I don't want to move on. The little things that make me smile, they won't be there anymore. New faces, new people, not again.This may sound weird, but I think this whole issue of transferring out is giving me depression. I've had issues, experienced trauma when I was a little kid, so I think it's not going to be an easy transition for me. It never was, and never will be. I need to talk to someone about this. I need to solve this issue quick. I don't want to be stuck in a trap anymore.
Time to be alone again. In other words, time to emo.Today was quite a meaningful day, with me hanging out with 2 of my 2 month old friends, watching a theatre production. I love the arts. I love theatre, I love drawing, I love music. But the main point of writing today is not about my musings. I just happened to be listening to my fully charged iPod while travelling and my thumb rolled over the song list to highlight the song Talking To The Moon by Bruno Mars. I love this song. Made me think and link over his lyrics to my own life.Talking to the moon, tryin' to get to youIn hopes you're on the other side, talking to me tooOh, am I a fool who sits alone talking to the moonYeah, am I a fool? I think I am......
My Loves
Chocolates
Ice-creams
Sleeping
Play My Music