So maybe I had been very unwilling to budge, to move on. I had enjoyed my time in Secondary School too much. That was good, but overdoing it is not. I have to move on. Life moves on. I made the decision myself, I cried about it for a few days and there's nothing I can do now except move on.

I'll have to admit that I'm filled with anticipation. I don't know what to expect in a totally new environment with totally new people, but I'm hoping for the best. I know the previous time I was faced with this, it didn't go too well and brought along a whole chain of issues that ultimately led me to where I am right now. Hence, I am extremely determined to start afresh. I'll have to throw away some of my hopes and dreams. Those that I had been clutching too closely to my heart. Some things are just not meant to be, and they will not happen, though I still do believe in miracles.

I'll be faced with new challenges, new perspectives and I know I'm not ready to deal with them at this point of time, but I am prepared to take them up and show them what I've really got. It's me, really, to use my heart and my mind to deal with issues and I will not rest until I've got them all settled. Nobody likes the way I push myself. It's like locking myself up in jail every single day, but that's the power that drives me to accomplishment. It's something so uniquely mine that no one understands it. That's why everyone's shocked by the way I do things. That's ME.

I'm not going to change anything because that's my strength and I'll work with my strength to get me through everyday. I dare say the giving up part was not easy for me. It was extremely tough. I had to cry, to scold myself, to knock my head, I had a lot of negative thoughts because I never liked to give up on things. I have this internal pride in me. I must show myself that I can do it. I don't care what others think of me. I didn't even need friends as the last 2 months have shown. I just cared about achieving what my mind is set on doing.

Now, it's different already. I made this choice, based on my instincts. I blocked out other people's thoughts, though I'll have to admit that making my parents happy about me giving up was the very last thing on my mind. I'll have to start anew whether I like it or not. I had to give up more than my self-respect. I had to give up some really important things in my life, like my friends and music. That wound is still raw, so let's not touch it now. However, I gained some things too. Like the fact that I get to spend more time with my family although I know that this may be more bad than good, given the number of times I spent quarreling with them the past few weeks I was at home. But the fact is still that they are my family. I can't abandon them. No matter how much I hate what they do, they are still my family. I can't change that.

I also get to live life like a human. Yes, looking back, I had not been living like a human. I studied, ate, studied, ate, studied, ate, studied, ate, slept, studied, ate, studied, ate, studied, ate, studied, ate, slept. The whole cycle was like this. It was insane. I didn't feel that at that point of time, but now, when I look at it, I was a robot and I'm really proud of surviving that routine for 2 months. BUT life's not all about studying. My other JC friends sure do lead better lives than me because they know how to relax. The problem with me is that I don't. So that's what I'm setting out to find out in my next journey. How to relax at appropriate moments and live life like a human. Seriously, animals do have better lives than what I had gone through.

I will make the most of my life the next 3 years and learn how many things work in society as well as in LIFE. My timer is counting down to the day my heart stops beating, so I have to seize the opportunity and enjoy life while it lasts. I sure had gone through so much pain in the past and I'm not willing to relive the experience over and over again in my life. I deserve to enjoy too and I will. Carpe diem.